I have my own home, family, and job in my hometown. I’ve lived here for my entire life.

My SO and I have no plans to marry or live together.

Should we try a long-distance relationship, or break up now because our future plans don’t seem to include the other?

— Perplexed in the Midwest

Dear Perplexed: I sense in the subtext of your question that you might feel quite stung by what you perceive as your significant other’s choice not only to leave town, but to leave you.

So yes, you could preempt this still far-off choice by preparing to break up, or you could at least attempt a long-distance relationship by trying to visit one another on a loose schedule. If he lands in a nice spot, you might see this as each of you having something of a second home: a second destination to travel to when you want to.

Most important, however, is the need for each of you to communicate, honestly and frankly, about your future plans — both as individuals and as a couple.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for several years. We’re really happy, with successful careers, a house we enjoy, and two dogs we love.

We honestly love our lives and are not sure about having children. We’re not ruling it out, but we’re also not ruling it in.

Lately my mother has been starting to pressure us. This started out subtly, but then the pressure seemed to grow until over Thanksgiving, when she actually said, out loud, “You owe me grandchildren.”

I was upset and have become more upset over time.

Can she possibly believe that?

What is the best way to react?

— Childfree

Dear Childfree: I can well imagine how this statement might have struck you.

At this point, because you continue to ruminate on it, you should find a way to express your concern to your mother.

I suggest writing down your thoughts and either sending her a letter or email, or just using your written down thoughts as a blueprint for a conversation.

To clarify what you already know: You do not owe it to anyone to have children.

You could ask your mother, “Do you really believe that I owe you grandchildren?” She might respond that no – she just really wants grandchildren.

She might believe that because she gave everything to you as you were growing up, that now it’s time for her to collect. Or maybe a lot of her friends are now experiencing grandparenthood, and she wants that, too.

Basically, you should patiently query her, listen carefully to her responses, and then lower the velvet boom: “Mom, you want what you want. And I want what I want. Pressuring me to have children for your sake is out of bounds. We may have children. We might not. But fulfilling your needs can’t be part of our decision-making, and I’d appreciate it if you understood that and respected this boundary.”

Dear Amy: On that pesky subject of tipping, here’s a situation I am wondering about.

When in a bakery where the customer goes to a counter, points to an item they want, an employee behind the counter puts the item in a bag, hands it to the customer, and handles the credit card transaction, is a tip expected now?

The credit card software now asks what tip the customer wants to leave, even when there’s no service rendered other than handing an item to a customer.

This can lead to embarrassment, as well as not wanting to frequent that bakery, any more — at least on my part.

Am I out of line? Have the tipping gods now decreed we must tip everyone?

What’s going on? It feels as though we are being shamed into tipping any time a credit card is used. What to do?

— Confused

Dear Confused: Back when we paid cash for most things, a bakery or coffee shop might have a tip cup on the counter where you could deposit the leftover change from your transaction if you chose to.

I agree that this automatic tip option does induce a feeling of pressure and I will run any responses from business owners explaining their reasoning.

You might start a “resist the tip!” movement.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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His two reading teachers have said that he is disrespectful and does not participate enough in class.

We have talked about this — both with the teachers and with him.

He comes home with complete papers, does well on spelling tests and is above grade level on reading assessments.

What they say and what we see coming home doesn’t make sense.

We have asked for examples of situations when he’s disrespectful so we can talk to him about it, but the teachers become vague and won’t give an example.

His other teachers say he is kind and helpful, while also being a bit too talkative, but they say he is on track and doing well.

We want to help solve the issue with his reading teachers, but can’t seem to get straight answers.

He comes home crying sometimes because his reading teachers seem to react so negatively to him.

He’s a good kid (an only child) and we don’t feel he’s disrespectful at home.

He is very creative, artistic, and generally a happy and easygoing boy.

Any advice on how to tackle this?

My mother-in-law says to just let it go because he’s fine, but I don’t know.

I’m worried that I’m just not seeing something, and this is uncharted territory for me.

— Uncharted

Dear Uncharted: Your son’s teachers are telling you that your son has problems — or creates problems — in their classroom.

Without details or examples, you don’t have any way to coach your son toward improved behavior. It is ironic (to say the least) that his reading teachers communicate so poorly.

You should start by emailing both of the teachers. Thank them for teaching your son and explain simply and briefly that you are eager to help resolve some of the issues they’ve raised. You might engage them more thoroughly if you basically throw yourself on their mercy by adding something like, “We are first-time parents and he is our only child, so we don’t have any prior experience dealing with educational or learning problems. We really want to help him succeed, so please detail very plainly and specifically any behavior which you believe needs correction. We welcome your specific suggestions and guidance for how to help him to be the respectful and engaged pupil you deserve to teach.”

After this blatant appeal for help, you should also kick this issue upstairs to the academic counselor and/or principal. Meeting personally with these educators would help to give you a game plan, and it could also put the school administration on notice that these particular teachers are not necessarily setting your son up for success in school.

This is a critical stage for your son. He could emerge as a lively little boy who is excited to learn, or a frustrated child who doesn’t like going to school.

Dear Amy: I picked up my husband’s phone and found a private message to a woman he works with.

It started out “Hey, Beautiful.”

I looked up her profile on Facebook and under pictures she has posted of herself he was saying things like “absolutely gorgeous” and “beautiful.”

He had surgery and we both posted about the surgery on FB, but she messaged privately to ask him how it went.

I say she could have read it like everyone else and apparently she did because she left a heart emoji on his post.

He says this is all perfectly innocent and there is nothing wrong with it.

I say there is a lot wrong with it.

What do you say?

— Disgruntled Wife

Dear Disgruntled: I wonder how your husband would react if you were engaged in an analogous private communication with another man whom your husband had never met: “Hey, gorgeous!” “Hey, handsome!” “Hubba hubba…”

What matters most is not whether it is “wrong,” “innocent,” or somewhere in between, but how this makes you feel.

I suggest that you should discuss this, not by labeling the behavior, but by describing your feelings.

Dear Amy: Your advice to “Regretful” was backward. This older couple moved across the country to be with their children, and when they decided they’d made a mistake and moved back, you sided with their children!

— Upset

Dear Upset: “Regretful” made a hasty choice to move, and quickly reversed course. I appreciated that they took responsibility for the impact of their “pandemic panic.”

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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In my freshman year, I made friends with “Ruby.”

Over time I came to understand that I needed to end the friendship due to Ruby’s troubling behavior toward others and with me.

Now, two years later, I have a new friend, “Sammie,” who is also friends with Ruby.

I only hang out with Sammie when Ruby is not present.

On several occasions when I was talking with Sammie, Ruby joined the conversation.

I was cordial, but I tried to limit my contact.

Now, when I see Ruby in the hall at school, Ruby waves enthusiastically and calls my name excitedly.

I don’t want any contact with Ruby. I don’t want any association with this person’s bad actions, including occasionally being violent.

I don’t want to confront Ruby to say I’m not interested in friendship, but Ruby keeps making attempts, suggesting renewing the friendship.

How can I gently distance myself from Ruby without causing conflict or hurting this person’s feelings?

— Desperate for Distance

Dear Desperate: I think that you should continue along the careful course you’ve already set. Be polite, non-committal, and avoidant.

Ruby might have changed somewhat during the many months you’ve successfully been distant, and while you should stay open to that possibility, you should not hang out with someone — anyone — who makes you uncomfortable.

If Ruby confronts you about your distance, you might say something like, “I’m just hanging back, like usual.”

Don’t let yourself be drawn in. You don’t need to answer loaded questions. Just be quiet and polite.

You don’t seem to have discussed Ruby with “Sammie” in any depth, and I also think this is wise, although I caution you that if Ruby hasn’t really changed, Sammie might be drawn into a friendship drama-triangle with Ruby at one point, Sammie at another, and you at the third.

You might wonder if Sammie is making the right choice regarding a friendship with this challenging person, but that friendship decision should be up to Sammie.

All of this is a reminder of what a social mine-field high school can be, but you seem well-equipped to handle these challenges.

If you were in my class, I’d give you extra-credit for being both sensitive and smart.

Dear Amy: I am in my mid-30s. Over the last 10 years, my life has changed significantly.

I’m married now and my husband and I have two children.

I’ve been struggling a bit lately with looking way down the road.

I used to be this very adventurous person. I was more or less up for anything. I’d describe myself as almost daring and unconventional.

Yesterday my husband and I had a lengthy (and I mean lengthy) conversation about granite countertops.

Our kids are three and five years old. Our world revolves around them, other families with children their ages, our jobs, and our house.

I find myself wondering what happened to us and wondering how we can fix it.

— Safe but not Sound

Dear Safe: First of all, even though you are deep into the wooliest part of your family life, you possess enough perspective to remember your earlier self with fondness — and you want to reclaim access to that person and those feelings.

Some people dive into the granite conversation, and they stay there, forever, locked into choices and actions that are ultimately superficial.

My first suggestion is that you might consider the perspective that raising children at this stage is actually loaded with tiny adventures and some big challenges. You and your husband are scaling small mountains every day.

Second, I think that you two should leave your children, and your home environment, for a weekend. Two whole days.

While away, you should rest, relax, and make a determination to look at your larger life-goals. Reach for the sky and write down your list.

You want more adventure: what are some ways you can get that as individuals, as a couple, and as a family?

How can you raise your children to be free, brave, and bold souls?

When you’re young, adventure has a way of finding you.

When you’re older, you have to deliberately seek it. I hope you will.

Dear Amy: I thought your advice to “Wondering” was completely hysterical. Wondering was concerned about her boyfriend’s super-close relationship to his sister. You interpreted this as a “threat.”

Give me a break!

— Dismayed

Dear Dismayed: “Wondering” already felt threatened by the relationship, and then the sister seemed to deliver an actual threat. I thought it was wisest to walk away.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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I have never said no to anyone and have always been gracious to anyone staying in our home, but I find I really don’t enjoy it.

I have extreme stress and anxiety days before they arrive, and also while they are here.

My husband doesn’t understand my tirades over this. He welcomes anyone who wants to stay with us.

I just don’t like people here with us 24 hours a day. I like my privacy at night to rest and read or watch television, and the last thing I want is to see faces at the breakfast table when I get up in the morning.

I know this issue will be coming up soon again as one recent guest has already said he plans to be back in town early next year.

Houseguests unsettle me, my lack of privacy is the issue, although I make sure they would never guess how I feel.

I am tired of pretending it is fine that they are staying with us.

How can I suggest that a hotel is a better choice when they ask to stay?

I don’t want to offend anyone, but my mental health is more important to me than sharing my home with out-of-towners.

How do I nicely say sorry, but no?

— Not Saying No

Dear Not Saying: Saying “no” firmly but kindly is an act of clarifying grace and, in your case, essential self-care.

Your husband is the X-factor here, because he chooses not to recognize your extreme challenge, and then undermines you by being an automatic “yes” man.

His behavior is supremely unfair to you, but if you are pretending that everything is OK during a visit, he may believe that you ultimately enjoy hosting.

The first person you need to learn to say “no” to is the man you are sharing your home with. Your pre-visit “tirades” brought on by stress don’t seem to have impressed him.

You could practice a “no” with these next self-invited guests: “You mentioned wanting to visit, but I’m finding it very hard to host lately, so hosting you in our home won’t be possible. I’ve found a number of nearby places you could look at to stay, and I’d be really happy to spend time with you during your time in town.”

If you can’t bring yourself to either confront your husband about this or manage an emailed “no,” you will land with people at your breakfast table.

Perhaps you should consider them to be essentially your husband’s guests.

If so, you could either choose to stay elsewhere, or protect your privacy by spending as much time as possible alone, especially at both ends of the day. This is a change in your expected behavior, but — you must calmly and carefully take care of yourself.

Dear Amy: My husband and I frequently go out for dinner with my brother and sister-in-law.

Sometimes her sister and husband will join us.

They are all drinkers, and we are not. (They usually have more than one drink).

I don’t think it is fair that we pay for their alcohol every time we go out, but my husband and I both feel awkward asking for a separate check.

I did ask once for them to buy their drinks before being seated, but that idea didn’t fly.

Would love your thoughts on this sensitive issue.

— Non-Drinker

Dear Non-Drinker: This isn’t really that sensitive an issue, and you should not shy away from stating your own need and desire to go out, enjoy a meal, and pay for your meal separately.

If the other two couples want to co-mingle their charges and split the cost down the middle, that’s up to them.

You can ask the server directly: “Could you prepare a separate check for the two of us?”

There is no need to dive into the awkwardness or explain this to the other diners. Your friends should accept your choice, resume ordering their meals, and not give it another thought.

Dear Amy: “Exhausted Daughter” did not understand her mother’s life-long emotional distance. Thank you for suggesting that this daughter do some research about neurodivergence.

I faced an analogous situation and receiving a diagnosis really helped everyone to understand that this behavior was not intended as a personal response.

— Been There

Dear Been There: I hope “Exhausted Daughter” can also receive some helpful insight.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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I have been giving — really extending — the benefit of the doubt to “Jan,” my daughter-in-law, for some time.

I see my son and Jan a couple of times a year, when I visit their city.

I get a hotel room willingly and without question. I am friendly and supportive, I compliment her sincerely, and I find positive, non-controversial things to talk about.

She just doesn’t seem to like me — or my visits — and it clearly hurts and upsets my son.

She is openly impatient with him and absolutely cold to me.

I can do nothing right. It would be nice if we could be friends, but if that’s too much I would be OK with being simply polite.

I am bewildered and hurt for my son.

I know that he is courteous and welcoming to her parents.

I don’t know what I have done, if anything.

Should I ask if I’ve offended her somehow?

I don’t want to cause a kerfuffle for my son, but I think that maybe I trigger difficulty between them for reasons I’m unsure of.

This is not improving with time (it’s been four years, now).

I can no longer pretend that I don’t notice, and I am wondering what you think I should do.

— Somebody’s Mom

Dear Mom: You have done your best to basically put your head down and endure this, politely — hoping, no doubt, that “Jan’s” attitude toward you would change as time went on and she discovered that you are a benign, low-impact presence in her family’s life.

You don’t seem to have asked your son what challenges he and his wife are facing. She could struggle with extreme anxiety, depression, or another mental or physical health challenge that neither of them has chosen to disclose to you.

So I would start with your son. Ask him, “Are there things I could or should do to make things easier for you and Jan when I visit?”

Based on how your son answers, you could open up and share your own questions, concerns and challenges.

Based on the vibe during your next visit, I suggest speaking with Jan privately, asking her a version of the questions you’ve asked your son. Tell her that you don’t want to burden either of them, but that you are worried that she seems stressed when she sees you.

In short, nudge the door open and give her space to walk through.

Dear Amy: I’ve lived in my home for five years.

There is a very large tree in the backyard.

At this time of year, the leaves obviously fall to the ground in both my yard and my neighbor’s yard.

My neighbors have asked me to give them money to clean the leaves from their yard.

We are both homeowners, and in my opinion, homeowners sign up for the responsibility of maintaining our home and yard when we buy the home.

My neighbors on the other side of my house have leaves that fall into my yard and I would never assume it is their responsibility to clean the leaves that fall onto my property.

I am at a loss because this is not the first time my neighbors have asked about this.

In previous years I have said “no,” and yet they keep asking.

I don’t want to start a precedent of giving them money every year, but I don’t want to be argumentative.

Any suggestions?

— Leave the Leaves?

Dear Leave: Please remember that anyone can ask anything.

Asking can be very easy.

“No” can require a flash of courage, and sometimes a bit of finesse.

You are not responsible for the leaves that have fallen in your neighbor’s yard. (Double check your local laws and statutes.)

And now, after five years of saying “no,” in my opinion you no longer need to respond at all.

There is no need to respond again. Let your “no” precedent remain, like that last stubborn oak leaf clinging to its branch.

Dear Amy: Your response to “First-time Grandparents” was inadequate, to say the least. Their daughter-in-law’s parents had behaved abusively toward them, by berating them publicly.

Their son and daughter-in-law need to confront her parents about their inappropriate behavior and strongly suggest an apology to the injured parties.

To do less is just asking for the wound to fester.

— Upset

Dear Upset: You make a good point, but because these other in-laws were so volatile and explosive, I worried that confronting them might make matters worse.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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Many years ago, I met “Jeremy” on an internet dating site. While I wasn’t romantically attracted to him, we became friends.

From our first meeting, Jeremy made it very clear that he wanted more than friendship from me.

I was honest in stating that I viewed him as a platonic friend and that it wouldn’t go any further than that.

We have remained in touch over the course of 11 years (with the exception of a very brief marriage of his).

He has become a dear friend. We laugh and commiserate.

I’m open to dating if someone compatible were to come along, but my daughters come first. I like being single.

Jeremy continuously makes not-so-subtle hints that he would like us to be more than friends.

I’ve never led him on and have reiterated that we are friends.

We have some common interests, and we are both good people, but there are major differences, and frankly I’m not attracted to him.

Friends and family members have suggested that I’m crazy not to date him, but I just don’t see him that way.

Am I hurting him by remaining in his life if he is always going to harbor hope that I will grow to view him as a romantic partner?

Why is friendship so completely underrated by our society?

— A Friend Indeed

Dear Friend: I don’t necessarily concur that friendship is underrated — in fact, I think that we in this country are currently experiencing something of an epidemic of loneliness. Most people crave and value having a special and intimate friendship connection. True and lasting friendships are worth their weight in gold.

You seem worried that you will hurt “Jeremy” by maintaining a friendship instead of transitioning into a romance.

But I think he is undermining the friendship by continuing to indicate that he wants to be romantically involved with you. A friendship should more or less remain in balance, with both parties respecting boundaries.

Respond to his next not-so-subtle hint by saying — out loud — “That’s never going to happen; furthermore, this makes me uncomfortable. If you really believe you can’t be friends with me without exerting this pressure, then maybe we should rethink our friendship.”

It would help for you to think about how you would respond if one of your daughters reported a similar dynamic with a friend. Would you advise her to keep quiet about her own needs?

Dear Amy: I hope this doesn’t seem like a silly question.

I have twin boys (almost 3 years old!).

I regularly take them to our big grocery store, in part to give my wife (a really great full-time, stay-at-home mom) a break. And also, of course, to pick up groceries. Lots of groceries.

So when we’re at the market, I like to cruise the “free samples,” and I offer the boys a snack as we go. These are small things and they’re usually healthy snacks. Just nibbly things to keep them busy.

My wife doesn’t like me offering them snacks between meals.

My folks are on her side, her folks seem to be on my side, and our siblings are divided on this topic.

We agreed to ask you and your readers.

— Snackin’ Dad

Dear Dad: First of all, any question involving toddlers is both silly and not silly. Daily life with children at this stage can be crowded with matters that can seem very important, until you gain some perspective in retrospect.

Basically, raising young children is a humbling trip to the funny farm.

I’m wondering why you are polling so many family members about this. Are you hoping for a tie-breaker?

My take is that whichever adult has the fortitude to take twin toddlers through the superstore should use whatever means necessary to basically complete the mission, and should not necessarily discuss the details later.

Dear Amy: I’m replying to “Taken Aback,” whose parents want an open relationship.

My sister had an open relationship when she was still married to her first husband.

She told us about it, as a heads-up in case we stumbled upon people who became “more” to them.

It might have been Mom’s way of letting her kids know that her marriage is fine and not to worry too much about them.

— Been There

Dear Been There: I take your point, but in your example, the marriage obviously wasn’t fine. “Taken Aback’s” mother might have been telegraphing that message.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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I met my “Shari” in high school. We have been inseparable ever since. Back then, she was outgoing, radiated confidence, was down to earth, and nothing ever bothered her.

Since she began her relationship with “Stephan,” she is a completely different person.

She is unsure of herself, has no confidence, and she now has frequent anxiety attacks. I attribute all of this to Stephan. She complains about him a lot.

When I first met him, I was in his corner, but the more I hung out with him, the more red flags I saw. He isn’t motivated, has no goals, and is an alcoholic. Shari also noticed all of these things.

Stephan got so drunk the night before my wedding that he forgot to drop off the liquor and food at the venue for the next day.

At the wedding, he got drunk and left right after dinner. Later, Shari went to the hotel room she paid for and found that she wasn’t able to get in.

Stephan had put the security lock on the door so not even the hotel staff could access the room for her.

Shari stayed with me and my new husband the night of our wedding. She was upset and embarrassed.

Stephan has still not apologized to us for his actions, and I have not seen him since.

I want her to leave him. Our other friends don’t understand why I am still friends with her after everything he has done.

I don’t want to lose her as a friend. She’s not responsible for his actions. I’m also terrified that she will marry him.

Amy, should I just give up on my relationship with her?

How can I convince her that she needs to leave this relationship?

— Struggling Friend

Dear Struggling: You may not be able to convince your friend of anything at all.

The power for you will rest on your willingness to stay close with a dear friend who seems to be in an abusive and depleting relationship.

Maintaining this friendship might be very frustrating for you at times, but expressing your hatred of her boyfriend might actually cause her to defend her choices, nudge her toward him, and isolate her even more.

Instead, you should tell her that you want the very best for her, and that you know in your bones that she deserves to be treated well by someone who respects her.

You might also urge her to attend a “friends and family” program like Al-anon. Communicating with other people who are entwined with addicts could help her to find her footing.

Dear Amy: For years our home has been the go-to home for the holidays. We purposely created this sort of environment because we have large families on both sides and a big circle of close friends.

Our “smallest” gatherings are no less than 25 to 30 people.

The problem is that as the years have gone by, and the kids get older, the list has expanded exponentially with the adult children of our close friends wanting to bring their own friends or dates to the gathering.

I am trying not to let it bother me, but I cannot help but get increasingly annoyed with the asking and bringing extra people.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone has a good time and helps, but I just feel it’s RUDE to continue to put me in the position.

This Thanksgiving alone, I had SIX additional “can they come” guests I don’t even know. Your thoughts?

— Exhausted

Dear Exhausted: Understand that each person asking to bring an extra person doesn’t realize that several others have also asked.

There is something of a tradition for people to debut new partners at the Thanksgiving feast, and so if younger family members want to bring a new squeeze to meet the family, it would be hard to say no.

You may have to draw the line with your friends’ adult children bringing extra people.

Dear Amy: “First-Time Grandparents” were being excluded from their daughter-in-law’s family gatherings. The DIL’s parents went ballistic twice on them, so I don’t understand why they would ever want to be around them unless absolutely necessary.

I’ve had four sons-in-law and none of the parents ever hung out.

We just saw the other in-laws at a special gathering like a baby shower, a Christening, birthday parties, things like that.

— Ninth-time Grandparents

Dear Grandparents: Many in-laws do not casually socialize at all — and this approach can work best for everyone.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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We’d meet for classes and then grab dinner.

I moved away about a year into the friendship, and we lost touch.

Just before the pandemic, Bruce was visiting the city where I lived and looked me up.

We grabbed dinner and he told me he had no close friends (his previous friends had ghosted him) and that he had considered suicide.

I told him to get in touch any time, and that he was welcome to visit. I also told him to seek help.

He took me up on the offer and started visiting every two or three months (including on Christmas and for his birthday) — and stayed for two or three days each time. We didn’t have much to talk about. Bruce was fussy and demanding and frankly, I hated the visits, but I felt responsible.

He also complained nonstop about his family and coworkers. It sounded like he’d also complained to them about me.

Now I’ve moved back to the city where Bruce still lives. He’s made more friends, is closer to his family, has a girlfriend, and seems well.

When I meet him now, though, he still complains nonstop about everyone in his life, reporting petty slights and missteps — and I just nod and listen.

How can I end this friendship?

Do I owe it to him to remain in the friendship since he confided in me about his depression?

I’m wondering whether just pulling away (being busy when he wants to meet) is kinder than telling him the reasons.

Your advice?

— Downward Facing Friend

Dear Downward: You seem to have been an extremely compassionate and patient friend to “Bruce” when he needed you — or seemed to need you.

You seem also to have never placed any boundaries around your relationship with him.

You took his mentioning the possibility of depression and suicide as a cry for help, and you did your very best to help him through a dark time in his life.

However, you don’t report that you are a clinician or mental health professional; this is an extremely heavy burden for a friend to carry.

You don’t say whether he ever received professional help, but Bruce may have used the opportunities to vent and temporarily relieve his own anxieties with you as a reason to avoid getting other help.

Because of the combination of Bruce’s manipulations and your challenges creating boundaries, I do suggest a slow backing away. Yes — be busy.

If he confronts or pushes you, congratulate him on creating a healthier and happier life. Encourage him to continue.

You might do some work on your own to learn new ways to create and maintain healthy boundaries.

Dear Amy: I have a common question, but now that it has come up in my own household, it feels unique to our family.

Before having children, my wife and I agreed that I would be the stay-at-home parent, and she would continue with her career.

Fortunately, she has a fulfilling career that also pays enough to fully support our household.

When we adopted our first child, I left my job and stayed home. It worked out well.

Now we have two young children. My wife’s career has also intensified. She works hard and finds her career fulfilling.

The issue is about what happens when she gets home.

She’s great with the kids, but has stated that basically all of the work related to the children and our home should fall onto me.

The way I see it, her idea is that she should work 40-50 hours a week at her career, and I should work 168 hours a week at … everything else.

What is the right balance?

— Weary Wives

Dear Weary: In my opinion, the most balanced arrangement is that your job is to 100 percent maintain hearth and children during the hours when your wife is working outside the home.

When your wife comes home, your workload there should decrease to 50 percent, and hers should increase to 50 percent.

Dear Amy: “Taken Aback” wrote that her parents were considering opening their marriage, and she couldn’t figure out why her mother had told her this.

If her parents are truly interested in polyamory, her mother might have been trying to prepare her for the possibility of other people becoming part of the family.

— E

Dear E: I think of “open marriage” more as pursuing various partners and polyamory as more permanent family-bonding, but you could be right about this.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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We are thoughtful and responsible parents (at least we think so…).

We have a question about gift-giving.

Our daughter goes to a nursery school program a couple of mornings a week, and it’s going very well.

While at school, she loves to play with a miniature kitchen set. It’s got a little sink and a pretend stove with pots and pans.

We told my sister that we are thinking about getting a version of this for our daughter for Christmas (my sister also has children), but she is strongly disapproving because, as she says, this sort of toy “reinforces gender stereotypes.”

Now we feel weird about it and decided to seek your take.

— Wondering Parents

Dear Wondering: Many parents are concerned about reinforcing gender stereotypes … right up until that moment when their toddler son really loves to play with his cousin’s toy bulldozer, or their daughter falls in love with a Tiny Tammy doll.

Are you willing to deny your child the joy and learning experience of playing with an object she really loves in order to please your sister, or to pat yourselves on the back about adhering consistently to your powerful ideals?

I hope not.

In my opinion, you have absorbed the very real issue of gender stereotyping in a sideways fashion.

The idea is not to deny your child toys that are stereotypically associated with their gender, but to expansively offer them toys and experiences that are typically associated with any gender.

You might think of play (like gender) as occurring across a spectrum that the child has the power and autonomy to determine as they go — not the parents (or, for that matter, the marketing departments of toy companies).

And so — if your son wants a Tiny Tammy doll, he should receive it and be encouraged/allowed to play with it, and if your daughter chooses to wash her toy bulldozer in her pretend kitchen sink, then more power to her.

The boundary I would draw (this Christmas and on into the future) is around toys that encourage violence or mimic weaponry.

(And yes, we all know that your daughter can pretend her wiffleball bat is a gun, but at the end of the day, she knows it’s a wiffleball bat.)

Dear Amy: My mother died five years ago.

I financially supported my stepfather for three of those five years, and spent quality time with him.

He met another woman and deliberately hid the fact that he was dating her from me and my sister.

He decided to sell the house I grew up in. He wouldn’t tell me where he was moving to.

Now my sister is angry with me, because I choose not to participate in her family gatherings, which he attends with his new partner.

This man refused to tell me the truth, after I asked him repeatedly.

The members of my mother’s family have disowned me for it.

Am I in the wrong?

— JD

Dear JD: Let’s say that I could somehow magically determine that you are “right.”

Would it then fix things for you to present an Ask Amy Certificate of Rightness to your family members?

I doubt it.

So let me sidestep trying to determine whether your behavior is wrong.

This is more a social and family dilemma than an ethical one.

I don’t know why your stepfather is avoiding you.

Perhaps he is worried that you believe he owes you money (because of your previous financial support).

He might be ashamed of some of his own actions, and too embarrassed to face you.

He might be cowardly overall, or legitimately afraid of you.

Your family members seem to have circled the wagons around this man, and your reaction has placed you outside the circle.

If you were open to it — versus only defending your own position — you might take a look around and at least ask yourself what you might be doing to inspire your entire family to disengage from you.

Dear Amy: Responding to “TikToked-Off,” like them I used to feel uncomfortable having my photo and video taken.

I had a friend who would film no matter what I said.

This friend died suddenly and now looking at the videos frozen in time helps me grapple with my loss and closure.

From my perspective, unless you’re in the witness protection program or filmed indecently you may someday truly treasure those captured moments.

— Remembered

Dear Remembered: I genuinely appreciate your perspective. Thank you.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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I am so angry and disappointed that he would do this.

His brother and wife have never visited us in our home state.

This was all done behind my back, and then after I learned about it, I was told that we would celebrate my birthday sometime in the following month.

We’ve had many problems in our marriage, but this feels like the last straw.

But I can’t seem to move on.

Any ideas on how to move on and get over my anger?

— Had It

Dear Had It: One way to move on would be to actually move on.

Given the way you have described this (topping off a troubled marriage, your husband plans a secret trip with your daughters to celebrate his brother’s landmark birthday, while deliberately ignoring yours), I think you should use their time away to contact a lawyer and educate yourself about your financial prospects, as well as the personal and emotional consequences of you leaving the marriage.

Truth be told, it seems that your husband has already at least partially left.

After doing this research, you may decide to stay, at least for now, but it will be your choice.

You can use the anger you feel to spur you to action. Being armed with real information and an actual choice could empower you to feel more in control of your own life, and your anger should dissipate. (It may morph into other very challenging emotions.)

If you do decide to stay, a therapist could help you to move through the emotional fallout from this “last straw.”

Dear Amy: Many years ago, while I was at work, my sister-in-law asked my 3-year-old daughter (who is very mature) if she would like her to be her godmother.

I found out later when my daughter asked me, “Auntie asked me if I wanted her to be my godmother. What is that?”

I was completely offended by this very inappropriate behavior by an adult. This is not a conversation to be conducted with a young child in the absence of the parent.

When I confronted my brother about this, he did his usual behavior of hiding the truth by claiming it was a misunderstanding. He was certain she meant “fairy godmother” or something imaginary like that.

I hated being played for stupid. I expected an apology, so later, I confronted my SIL. To this day, she blames my daughter for misunderstanding, and has never apologized for stepping over a serious boundary.

And to make matters worse, she threw my very daughter “under the bus” for misunderstanding her, rather than acknowledging her own misdeed!

This has caused a many-year rift in family compatibility, which has been uncomfortable.

So, trying to be practical about things, I told my SIL, “I will drop this, but I will never believe you about this.”

I am tired of their obnoxious attitude of betterment and disrespect for others.

Now things are a bit better in the family relationship.

How do you recommend I move forward knowing that my SIL will NEVER admit an error and makes terrible judgment calls?

— Played for Stupid

Dear Played: You say this happened “many years ago.”

You have ruminated and fumed about this incident all that time. Surely it is time to stop, if only for your own sake.

At this point, you have all the information you need to have regarding your sister-in-law’s long-ago behavior, as well as the fact that she will never apologize for it. You have acted on this information and have stated your boundary.

Your daughter is older and should be able to defend herself against manipulation and create her own boundaries.

Moving on is now a choice you need to make.

Think of yourself as a detective working for years on a “cold case.” You’ve done your investigating and made your determination. Now it’s time to declare this case officially closed.

Dear Amy: I did not like your response to “J,” who wondered about inviting family members of a deceased classmate to a 50th high school reunion.

Doing so would turn this event into something else, entirely!

— Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: There are many factors to consider, including the size of the class. But I do believe that inviting surviving family members to attend one reunion event over the course of a weekend could be meaningful for everyone.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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